


Shrek x Mr. Krabs: The Formula

by azcaiski



Category: Shrek (Movies), SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Blood, Cursed, I can't think of tags help, I didn't know what to rate this so I said m, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Making Out, spoilers: shrek is pretty much a mafia boss, yes shrek is cheating on fiona
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29075667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azcaiski/pseuds/azcaiski
Summary: haha help I don't know why I wrote thisok. mr. krabs sees the hot hunk of an ogre that is Shrek and falls in love. Shrek wants the Krabby Patty formula so he can ditch his wife.also mr krabs is lowkey really horny but it's never actually stated
Relationships: Shrek (Shrek)/Eugene Krabs, basically shrek x mr krabs
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Shrek x Mr. Krabs: The Formula

**Author's Note:**

> please forgive me
> 
> please don't expect this to be good I literally wrote this in two hours

“May I have one Krabby Patty, please?”  
The words that changed everything.

Mr. Krabs stared at the ogre in front of him, his face quickly heating up. “Uh, yes, sir.” He turned to Spongebob, who was standing behind him and whispered, “Krabby Patty, please. The best you can make.”

Spongebob gave Mr. Krabs an enthusiastic thumbs up and walked into the kitchen.

The ogre smiled slightly, setting Mr. Krabs’s heart on fire. As the ogre began to turn away, he stuttered and grabbed his shirt. “Me boy, what is your name?”  
The ogre turned back around, giving him intense eye contact that made him shiver. “Shrek.”

“Shrek,” Mr. Krabs said, delighted about how nicely the name rolled off his tongue. He immediately continued talking, not caring that he was holding up the line, “I haven’t seen you here before.”  
“Don’t tell me this place hates foreigners,” Shrek said.  
“No, don’t get the wrong idea, Shrek.” He loved saying his name. “Do you have a contact-” Before he could finish his sentence, Spongebob tapped his shoulder and Mr. Krabs slowly turned around. “Here’s the Krabby Patty for that sexy ogre,” he said before handing Mr. Krabs the plate.

But before he could get anywhere, Mr. Krabs had grabbed him by the shoulders and backed him into the kitchen.  
“Whoa, Mr. Krabs,” Spongebob said, after his back crashed into the wall. “Horny much?”  
“Stay there,” Mr. Krabs whispered, before taking a knife from the knife holder.  
Spongebob’s eyes nearly popped out of his sockets. “Damn, I didn’t know you were into BDSM…”  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Mr. Krabs roared, launching himself towards Spongebob and digging the knife in his chest.

Spongebob spit out some blood, gasping as he reached for the knife dug in his chest. “M-Mr...Krabs?...”  
Tears fell down Mr. Krabs’s eyes as he watched Spongebob fall to the floor, the look in his eyes matte and dazed. “Me boy, how dare you say the ogre was ‘sexy’...he’s mine. Only mine,” Mr. Krabs said, watching Spongebob desperately grip at life.  
“Y-You just...met...him…” Spongebob coughed. “Don’t let yourself...get...h-hurt…” He let out a final sigh as the life drained out of him, blood pooling on the floor.

Mr. Krabs walked back out to where Shrek was waiting. “I’m so sorry for the inconvenience,” he said, giving Shrek the freshly made Krabby Patty.  
Shrek smiled and took the burger.  
“Squidward!” Mr. Krabs called out.  
Squidward answered quickly. “Yes?"  
“Take over the restaurant for a bit, okay me boy?”  
“Sure, Mr. Krabs.”  
He took Mr. Krabs’s spot as Mr. Krabs rushed after Shrek, who had just left the restaurant whilst eating his burger.

“Shrek,” Mr. Krabs said, grabbing his shoulder, “I…”  
Shrek turned around. “Yes?”  
“I like…”  
Before he could finish, Shrek moved close and whispered quickly in his ear, “Okay, look. These burgers are so fucking good, what’s in them?”  
“O-Oh, you want the formula? It’ll win you a fortune if you know…”  
“I kind of already knew that...well, then give me the formula!”  
Mr. Krabs went silent for a moment. He was considering it.  
“Mr. Krabs,” Shrek said, with a low laugh. “Are you going to give it to me or not?”  
Mr. Krabs swallowed. “Um...maybe not right now.”

Shrek moved closer, his hand cupping Mr. Krabs’s cheek, as he laughed again. “Tell me, Mr. Krabs, were you going to say you liked me?”  
Mr. Krabs almost gasped but was able to stop himself. He managed to stop his surprise from showing in his voice as well as he spoke. “Well-”  
“Tell you this. We’ll strike a deal. I’ll date you for a day if you give me the formula. Sound good?”  
“What...are you implying when you say date?”  
“Well, we can eat out together, maybe watch a movie. Be wholesome.”  
“Really?” Mr. Krabs felt unsatisfied. “But..."  
“...and then we’ll make out aggressively and then maybe I can fuck you. Fuck you into giving me the formula.”  
Mr. Krabs was speechless for a moment. There was nothing unsatisfactory about that. “You’ll...all...that...for such a small price? A day with my true love!...Of course I will.”  
Shrek smiled in satisfaction. “Then, it’s settled.”

That moment, Mr. Krabs noticed something on Shrek’s hand. He furrowed his brow. “Shrek...if I may ask, what is on your finger?”  
“Um, my grandma’s ashes. They’re in the diamond on the ring.”  
“Are you married?”  
“Fuck Fiona, no I’m no-” Shrek realized what he said and went silent.  
Mr. Krabs and Shrek stood silent for a few minutes before Shrek spoke again. “It’s fine. It’s honestly fine. I mean, really. Pretty sure she’s cheating with Farquaad anyways. Yeah.”  
Mr. Krabs swallowed a lump in his throat and took Shrek’s hand. Shrek jumped slightly at the sensation (he thought it was Fiona for a split second) before squeezing Mr. Krabs’s hand.  
“Well, what are we going to do first?” Shrek said, looking at Mr. Krabs. His gaze still made Mr. Krabs tremble.  
“Why not eat together, talk, watch a movie?”  
“Which movie? Although, maybe, Despicable Me. I kin Gru,” Shrek said.

Mr. Krabs chuckled at the awkward silence that followed. He didn’t like the silence at all. So he pulled Shrek down and kissed him roughly.  
Shrek panicked, once again worried it was Fiona, but once he realized it was Mr. Krabs he melted into the kiss, not caring that they were in public.  
Mr. Krabs pulled away and blushed. “Sorry.”  
“Don’t apologize,” Shrek said, taking his hand and bringing him to the restaurant again. Mr. Krabs's heart was racing a million miles an hour.  
They entered the kitchen, locked the doors, and wasted no time. As Shrek had said, he began making out with Mr. Krabs aggressively. Mr. Krabs thought he seemed awfully eager. “Give me the formula after this,” Shrek said quietly, a string of saliva connecting them.  
“I will.”

Long story short, Shrek had arrived in Bikini Bottom.  
Literally, he came in Mr. Krabs. They were fucking in his restaurant which happened to be located in Bikini Bottom.  
“Me boy,” Mr. Krabs moaned.  
Shrek didn’t understand how it had come to this. He had simply come to Bikini Bottom for a much needed vacation away from his shitty wife. Fiona. All she had been doing for weeks on end was having a midlife crisis and he was sick of it. Plus she could hear her calling Farquaad occasionally when night came.  
Maybe it was the fact that the crab he was fucking said that the formula he knew would mean a fortune for Shrek.  
That meant, in short, he could leave his wife. Finally.

Squidward banged on the door. “PLEASE LET ME IN, I NEED TO MAKE 500 KRABBY PATTIES, YOU ARE IN THE KITCHEN…”  
Mr. Krabs sighed, shaking slightly. “S-Squidward. Shut up.”  
Squidward began to sob behind the door. “Please, Mr. Krabs, I can’t go on…”  
Shrek sighed and left Mr. Krabs flustered on the counter and put on his clothes quickly. “N-No, don’t leave yet,” Mr. Krabs cried desperately, watching his love approach the lock on the door.  
“No, I need to go see Donkey or he’ll get suspicious,” Shrek said. “I also have to c-c-c-call…” He gagged. “F-F-F-F-F-F-Fiona,” he said, his entire body starting to shake.

“Who the hell is Donkey?” Mr. Krabs said, standing up as well and also putting on his clothes.  
Shrek didn’t answer, only walked away after unlocking the door.  
“Shrek!” Mr. Krabs fell to his knees. “Don’t leave me!”  
“Chill,” Shrek said as he left.

Donkey was waiting for Shrek on a random alleyway.  
“Hey, Shrek. Got the formula?”  
“No, not yet. Don’t worry, I’ll kill him if he refuses to give it to me. But I need to call Fiona.”  
Donkey handed him the phone. Shrek fought back nausea as he dialed her number.  
“SHREK!” A screech came from the other side of the phone.  
Tears started to pool in Shrek’s eyes from the reminder she existed. “Fiona, I’m on a business trip, I said,” he said, holding back sobs.  
“When will you be back?” Fiona said, Shrek replying with a monotone “hopefully never, which means tomorrow.”  
“Okay!” Fiona instantly hung up.  
Terrified and traumatized from the experience, Shrek’s legs gave out from underneath him.

Donkey snorted. “Lord Shrek, don't act like that. Remember who you are. You told that one guy from Duloc you’d give him his marijuana tomorrow. Same with like seventeen other people. Oh, not to mention you told Farquaad you were sending the rival kingdoms multiple war weapons to spite him.”  
“Shut up, right now is not a good time to be reminded that I am the most wanted criminal in Duloc for pretty much every crime possible. I’m also scheduled to commit arson tomorrow so I can’t really catch a break. Not to mention...I need to assassinate 5 people tomorrow, although I can use the help of my organization," Shrek said. "You mean the mafia?" Donkey said, sighing. Donkey motioned for Shrek to return to the restaurant. “For an evil crime lord, you're so fucking slow. Hurry up and get the damn formula.”  
“Don’t boss me around.” Shrek turned back in the direction of the restaurant.  
Mr. Krabs gasped as his love walked back in through the doors. “Shre-”  
“What’s the formula?” Shrek said.  
“It hasn’t been a day yet…”  
“What is the fucking formula?”  
“I...I…”  
Shrek felt the ends of his mouth turning up into a scowl. Mr. Krabs’s heart sunk at the look his true love was giving him. “I…um...”  
“Say it.”  
“I...can’t…”

Shrek pushed past Mr. Krabs and opened Mr. Krab’s safe (Mr. Krabs had conveniently said his safe code as they were making out) and took out his gun.  
He turned and didn’t hesitate before shooting Mr. Krabs.  
He didn’t realize the horrible ache in his heart until it was too late.  
“Mr. Krabs!” He screamed, dropping the gun and rushing to grab the dying crab in his arms.  
“W-Why…?” Mr. Krabs said, blood covering his shirt where the bullet had gone. “Shrek…”  
“You didn’t give me the formula,” Shrek choked out, ignoring the tears that were starting to fall down his face. No. Why had he shot him? He regretted it all...  
Mr. Krabs chuckled weakly. “I’m sorry, me boy…”  
That was Shrek’s breaking point. He began to cry, sobs racking his body. “I love you…I don’t even know your name…”  
“Mr...Krabs,” Mr. Krabs whispered, as he took one last shaky breath in, before exhaling for the final time.  
Shrek dropped Mr. Krabs’s body, his hands covered in blood. Tears fell down his face, hitting the floor. 

Suddenly, Obama entered the Krabby Patty.  
“You. I saw it all.”  
Shrek slowly raised his head.  
“You killed that crab?”  
Shrek swallowed and raised his hands.  
Obama approached him. “I must arrest you.”

He whipped out handcuffs and put them around Shrek. “You’ll be in jail by tonight and probably get a life sentence.”  
“It’s what I deserve,” Shrek whispered.  
He walked out of the Krabby Patty held by Obama.  
Technically, he got his goal. To leave his wife.  
As Shrek may not have gotten a fortune, but he still got out of having to see his shitty wife ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> ...yay you made it to the end


End file.
